Adoption Brain

I always heard about the term 'pregnancy brain', when my pregnant friends were forgetful, clumsy, obsessed with nesting , even self absorbed etc. Of course I never knew if it was a 'real thing', but I know that everyone came out of it eventually (and even though I am positive I used it as an excuse during my 24 week pregnancy last year- I have completely blocked out that period in my mind!)

Well, now I think I have 'adoption brain'. I feel like I am 40 weeks pregnant, uncomfortable and anxious to 'get this baby out'. I am self absorbed and scatterbrained. I cannot focus on anything else except getting back to Russia to our girls. I certainly have not been a great friend. So, to my family and friends, to everyone who has left me a phone, email and/or Facebook message- I apologize. I know you all have your own things going on in your lives, and I should be eager to listen to your stories and problems, help you in your time of need. I am sorry to not be able to focus, and I feel really crappy about it and myself. I really did think of myself as a good friend before this. And I also know you are all excited about our new adventure and want to hear all the details. But I seem to not want to talk to or be with anyone at the moment. This entire week Mike has been working really hard to finish work projects up before we leave. He has been at work until 10, 11, 12 pm every night. I am by myself all day every day and while I know I should call on my friends and family, check in with people, see how everyone is doing, talk about my fears to close friends who I know will listen and give advice, I have not wanted to do any of it!I am just in my mind and my own world right now.

My mind has been so full- with paperwork and document details everyday. So many travel details and itinerary changes daily to keep up with. Now, it is the nerves about sitting in front of a Russian Judge in a week, a complete stranger who will decide the fate of the rest of my life. I am finally thinking about the prospect of soon becoming a parent to twin 1 year old girls and not having any clue of what to do with them. I spent the better part of 3 years trying to have a baby, now we are so close to being a family of 4 and I am completely freaked out! I am stressed about how much money this is all costing us and our families, scared about having to move out of the city, worried about having to sell our apartment (and more importantly to first get the apartment which is crammed with 8 years of clutter cleared out, cleaned up and ready to sell), and having to look for and buy a new house. I'm worried about Mike at work and his soon to be really long commute as well as the general shitty state of the economy which makes all of the above even more difficult and stressful than normal. (Wow- I just reread this- I did not know was was such a mess until I wrote it down!)

So, I am sure I will snap out of it. We are nearing the end. Of course, once I do snap out of it and once we get home, life as we know it will change forever. We will have toddler girls that we will have to tend to. We will be in lock down for a while to get used to each other, begin the bonding process, find a routine, and all that other good stuff. I know it will be difficult. Just as coming home with a new born is tough, I am not sure adoption is tougher or just different but I know both are overwhelming. I promise that I will be back -once the fog lifts. I am trying to keep up with everyone, I really am. I love you all and appreciate you putting up with me.

Melissa