Reflection on the Past Year

A year ago I was rubbing my pregnant twin belly. Eli and Samantha were kicking each other in the head during every weekly ultrasound. We were giddy with excitement and planning the rest of our lives with the twins in it. I am still so sad that they are not here with us and that they did not get to live a long and fulfilled life like they should have. It sucks that we missed out on seeing them grow up. We do have memories of spending some time with them, we have the beautiful little blankets they were wrapped in, and pictures to remember them by… But it is not the same.
What a tough year it has been for us. I am thankful to be alive, to have an amazing husband and wonderful and supportive family & friends. I am thankful for the short but precious time we had with Eli and Sam. But, because they are not here, we have this amazing opportunity to adopt these 2 gorgeous little girls and go on this life adventure with them.

A year ago, half way around the world, a young woman was giving birth to her twins. I find myself thinking of her often. I am wondering if she rubbed her belly; how it felt when they kicked her; if she even knew she was having twins. I am so grateful to her for continuing with her pregnancy, even in what must have been a bad situation, and allowing them to live. I am thankful that they were placed in this specific orphanage where our adoption agency has found them and even more grateful for them to have been looking on our behalf.

Was this year supposed to go this way? I wasn’t sure. I certainly didn’t think so during my three blood transfusions and week long hospital stay- But now I know it couldn’t have been any other way. I hate the phrase ‘everything happens for a reason’. I wanted to slap everyone who said that to me after Eli and Sam died. I wanted to shout and cry “what is the reason?” But now I know- We are supposed to do this. Michael and I are supposed to be on this crazy journey together. We are supposed to go to Russia and find these little girls. I am certain of this. They need a mommy and daddy. They need us and we need them. What more can I say, we will get our twins after all...

This whole time we were working on our dossier and waiting for ‘the call’ I assumed we would get a referral for one young boy. That is what we asked for, even though our agency knew we were open to taking siblings. And don’t worry (to all my moms out there- NY MOM, Momma Lulu, Aunt Suki Mom, Temple moms, old -work -boss moms, and any other older wiser women I know who would say this to me) I know the girls do not replace Eli and Sam and I am not expecting them to. They will be our children in their own right and we will not expect them to live up to any weird standards or ideals)
I just can’t wait to meet them and finally get them home. We still have a long road ahead.

(Sorry to be all sappy and sentimental. This has been a very emotional week for me. Getting the news of our referral and it being twins bought back a lot of feeling for Eli and Sam that I haven’t thought about in a while. I am already drained and we haven’t even gotten to Russia yet.)